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Never mess with the sacred chickens

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Bitten: dear god, please tell me this show has been cancelled [Mar. 21st, 2014|08:09 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
Oh, Bitten. What can I say beyond that this is without a doubt the worst TV show I have ever seen - and I say this as someone who has watched a lot of bad TV. A LOT. And yet I am still watching because it's also the saddest show ever. I mean, not only is this show too cheap to have more than about 5 minutes of CGI for the entire season but they're too cheap to pay for acting or fighting. In fact, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that this show was cast by rounding up the thinnest people they could find and handing them a script. THE FIGHTS. OMG THE FIGHTS. They're the sort of fights you would see in a comedy as mock bad fighting. I mean, even if you can't afford fake werewolves, at least you could show fights where people are clearly coming somewhat close to touching each other. And then there's the horrific hair of Our Hero, which possibly may have consumed the entire budget of the show in hair products.

And then there's the values. Okay, so not only is this some wet dream of a misogynistic fantasy where only men get to run around and reproduce themselves (why bother with those messy, gross women who just want to pick drapes and moan), but women are apparently too weak to handle becoming a werewolf. Except for our heroine, of course. Whom our hero somehow magically knew would be capable of surviving the ordeal...hence he bit her on spec. And, apparently, we are supposed to believe, out of love. Oh yeah, and if you're not in a pack (even in the crappiest of crappy packs that our horrible good guys belong with) you are evil. And a mutt. And to ram this home every single mutt currently being recruited by the evil guys is some sort of child abuser.

And yet I still watch because this show is so pathetic and so awful that I feel pity rather than the contempt I should. I've got to be the only person still watching this sad, sad excuse for a TV series and its horribly haired hero. There can't be too many other masochists on my level.

Um. So yeah. Oh, but I did see Pompeii which was AWESOME. You will come for the volcano and stay for the evil Romans, the Pompeian independence movement, the tsunami, the magic horse people, and everything else. Kiefer Sutherland chews scenery like Shatner in his prime and clearly enjoys being the evilest Roman ever to evil his way across the Roman empire.
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Bitten [Feb. 2nd, 2014|07:01 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
This has to be the Platonic ideal of terrible shows. It is also somewhat tragic as they clearly can't afford the special effects of wolvery that they need and so have to content themselves with shots of Our Heroes standing around in trees sniffing and talking about the family and other stuff. IT IS MAGNIFICENT AND AWFUL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BOOK IT WAS BASED ON BUT IT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE AS WONDERFULLY TERRIBLE AS THE SHOW.

Also: Yay to Russell Crowe for his highly competitive entry into 'worst Irish accents ever' for A Winter's Tale. I have a delicious fantasy that he studied for this accent by watching Tom Cruise in Far and Away and all those people with 'Cork' accents in Heroes.

ETA: OMG BITTEN HAD A SCENE WITH TWO OF THE WEREWOLVES LOPING ALONG AND THEN LOCKING EYES AND ROMPING OFF TOGETHER WHILE SEXAYY LOVE MUSIC PLAYED IN THE BACKGROUND. (Of course they were the werewolf boy/man with ridiculously over styled hair whom our heroine werewolf has left for a man in the CITY.)

ETA 2: Look, I don't think this is a spoiler but even if it was then I'm saving you from yourselves so you should thank me. THEY USED BODY SPRAY TO KEEP THE EVIL MUTTS FROM SENSING OUR HEROES IN THE NEXT ROOM. SERIOUSLY, YOU WANT TO CONVINCE ME YOU CAN TRACK PEOPLE A DAY LATER AND YOU CAN BE UNDONE BY ONE SPRAY OF AXE? Also, what's with the 'mutts' and the whole creepy class angle whereby you have the lovely Danvers in their arisocratic manor and all the evil mutts and the hick working class locals?
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Agents of SHIELD and Sons of Anarchy [Oct. 17th, 2013|02:44 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
It's been an age since I've had time to post on livejournal and now I come back to post about trivial matters: to wit, Agents of Shield and Sons of Anarchy. Good god, is Agents boring. I haven't made it through an episode since the second. It is also a remarkable paean to the surveillance state (don't worry! it's all for our good!) and so far has had an angry working class black man who can't control his powers and a black woman who is controlled by others and failed out as an agent for some reason (I stopped before the end). However, I have become a Sons of Anarchy fan in which awful people do awful things but are somehow fascinating and at times very appealing. Not sure what that says about me...

I also got a dog! He is quite delightful, though at least 50 pounds heavier than the type of dog I thought I would get; he's a 7 year old rottweiler mix who is so sweet and quite charming. He could also sleep for Ireland - he sleeps more than any animal I have ever seen, except for cats. In which he is quite interested, sometimes in a friendly fashion and in other times in a more 'I must chase this furry thing!' way. Of course, I do not let him do this, just as I hold him back against skunks in which he has far too much interest. :)
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(no subject) [Jul. 30th, 2013|09:10 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
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OMG PEOPLE SERIOUSLY THE NEW WOLVERINE IS THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE AND PEOPLE WHO SAY OTHERWISE ARE LIARS AND FOOLS AND SHOULD BE PITIED AND IT HAD NINJAS AND A GIANT ROBOT AND MANPAIN IN THE CANADIAN WILD AND THERE WAS A GRIZZLY BEAR AND JAPAN AND THEN SOME FIGHTING AND OMG YES NINJAS AND AT ONE POINT LOGAN WAS LIVING IN A CAVE SUCH WAS HIS MANPAIN AND IT SHOULD WIN ALL THE OSCARS BUT IT WON'T BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THEY KNOW WHAT GOOD FILMS ARE.
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Whisky tasting: they know how to do it in Scotland [Jul. 14th, 2013|10:30 am]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
Yesterday evening I went to my first whisky tasting. I thought it would be like wine tasting - you get a small amount of each type you're trying and perhaps some bread. Instead we got FOUR DOUBLES for 8 quid. Four doubles of whisky with nothing to mop it up is, my friends, a LOT of whisky. A lot of delicious, delicious whisky...

Scotland truly is a land of wonders.
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Perhaps not in the best of taste... [Jul. 10th, 2013|12:45 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
So, I went to the National Museum of Scotland's exhibition on Mary, Queen of Scots, which was very interesting and made me a bit more sympathetic to her on the grounds of her intelligence (though, good god, did she have bad taste in me). I was a little surprised to find they were selling replicas axes for the kiddies in the exhibition shop. Perhaps a slight failure in taste right there. Unless you're all gung-ho about killing of Papist enemies of Queen Elizabeth I, that is. Then you'd not just be selling axes but replicas of the Bothwell letters.
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How you know your budget hotel is in a nice area of London: [Jun. 30th, 2013|07:32 am]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
There are three policemen with guns protecting a house around the corner. Googling has enabled me to discover that they are protecting Tony and Cherie Blair. Somehow my tiny room seems rather fancy now...
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(no subject) [Jun. 26th, 2013|03:18 am]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
THEY ARE MAKING A TV SERIES OF OUTLANDER. OUTLANDER. YES, IT'S GOING TO BE SCOTTISH MISERY, KILTS, AND RAPE ON STARZ. So, sort of like Spartacus but in the Highlands.

This at least is taking my mind off the fact that someone crowbarred my office door open last weekend and stole my 3 month old Mac. Bastards. Well, at least I'm off for 2 weeks work in Edinburgh, where I will fill my spare moments with thinking about the horrors of Outlander.

ETA: ALSO OUTLANDER IS GOING TO BE MADE BY RON MOORE OF BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FAME. It's going to be either awesome or terrible or both at the same time. Almost everyone will probably be naked all the time, given that it's Starz, despite the fact that that would surely cut short your life in the Highlands.
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ANGEL EYES [May. 5th, 2013|08:06 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
Okay, so at one point I turned away from Zombies and Lincoln due to overbeardage or, rather, overhorrificebeardage (it's a real problem AFFLICTING OUR MOVIES RIGHT NOW and not just something I made up right now). But now my telly has Jennifer Lopez in Angel Eyes! She's a cop! Jim C from Person of Interest has bad hair! He does good deeds and is a whole lot of creepy! WHAT WILL HAPPEN???

ETA: Man, I totally thought this would involve eyes of some sort being replaced or possessed but NO IT'S SOME SAPPY ROMANTIC COMEDY WITH BAD HAIR AND JENNIFER LOPEZ.
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Abraham Lincoln Zombie Hunter: should I watch? [May. 4th, 2013|07:04 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
Yes, yes or definitely yes?

ETA: Worth it for badly cgied olden times. Also a Lincoln who resembles the actual Lincoln about as well as a large loaf of bread with a tophat.

ETA 2: THE ACTING. THE STRADDLING. There has been a perfectly magnificent straddling scene although, alas, Lincoln was not doing the straddling. But it was still impressive. And what with zombies, vampires, and the South, Lincoln really had the worst luck ever, didn't he?

ETA 3: While it was very thrifty and ecoconscious of them to make their beards out of whatever they found on the road that day, the appearance leaves something to be desired. Especially Stonewall Jackson whose beard not only screams I AM A FAKE MADE FROM SOMEONE'S FAR TOO SLOW CAT but seems to be incapable of any movement whatsoever.

ETA 4: Remember that slug that Baldrick used as a mustache in the Black Adder set in WWI? You'll be glad to know it's got more work playing Stonewall Jackson's mustache? SO WONDERFUL TO SEE GOOD WORK REWARDED.

ETA 5: There's a winsome child whose chances of being eaten are, sadly, none. And as this entire film rests upon the belief that zombies are harmless until you wake them up every scene has them creeping past zombies and THEN KNOCKING SOMETHING OVER. Or waking chickens.
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