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Christian Romances: Love, but in a godly way! - A Home for the Poetically Deceased [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Never mess with the sacred chickens

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Christian Romances: Love, but in a godly way! [Feb. 20th, 2008|11:31 pm]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
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Apparently, God wants you to marry an ugly pirate. Though I must say that I commend Christian romances for bringing back pirates into romance. Complete with massive, er, swords.



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Christian women have a phenomenally large number of encounters with pirates on the high seas. Arrgh, mateys! It is almost enough to get me going back to church. See? God's work is done!

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I also learned of the wonders of Lori Wick and her floating Christian women smiling beatifically. However, I draw your attention to the shockingly phallic candle. I am already writing my letter of complaint.

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How poor were the Donavans? So poor they couldn't afford a name for their daughter. They just used to refer to her as 'you, there.' Thank the Lord she was clearly too stupid to notice. But she didn't need brains! She had the voice of God to keep her spirits up!

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Christian romances sure are fond of disembodied females. But I really trust a woman named Wanda E. Brunsetter to tell me a godly story. Plus look at that female! Properly covered and modest! Even if I think there's something suspicious about the look of ecstasy on her face. Pray tell, what's going on there, Wanda?

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Nothing says I am ready to feel the hand of the Lord bless this relationship like a steamy jungle. I have it on good authority that underneath those clothes those people are NAKED. And look at how his hand is shockingly touching her. For shame!

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And in this one she is shamelessly fondling his hat! Is nothing sacred? Will this not lead our daughters and sisters away from the flower of purity? When the Lord calls you, Beverly Lewis, I hope you have an explanation!

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Here we are on more familiar territory. Men with swords (big ones!) and the flaxen haired maidens who love them. But only in a chaste and maidenly way that Jesus would approve of! But, boy, that's one giant sword.

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As sure as dawn that spear is not at suggestive! That angle means nothing! Tragically, I think that if I ever want to read about gladiators getting it one with lusty wenches Christian maidens of pure hearts and good characters I will have to read books like this.

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See what I mean? I bet she's some mad Greek female who has seen the lord and whom a Roman praetor falls in love with only to find that she cannot be bought! He will then spend at least 100 pages trying to seduce her only to save her from the lions in page 250. After that they and Saint Thecla will fight off man-eating seals for money in the Eastern provinces.

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The Night Angel. That's what we used to call old Maude, yes sir! She was always wandering in the forest, waving that lamp to lure men to their death! But only the ones who didn't worship the Lord! The godly ones she left alone. It's a bit of a pity that she defined 'Godly' as men who didn't ride horses at night, but you can't have everything. (Also, Sophia Miles: I really think your career is strong enough that you can give up posing for Christian romances now)

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Okay, this one was in the Christian section at Amazon but I feel there must be some error. Especially as the heroine was pregnant before marriage. And he's clearly very much naked. That's more flesh on show there than the entirety of all Christian romances ever written right there. And those flames? Clearly the fires of hell.

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Comments:
[User Picture]From: meganbmoore
2008-02-21 07:54 am (UTC)
The last one...it scares me...

*goes back to the happy place of men with swords*
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 08:57 pm (UTC)
Many romance novels covers scare me. And in their defense: they're all better than Cassie Edwards' covers.
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[User Picture]From: misscam
2008-02-21 08:11 am (UTC)
Bwhahaha.

Some of those covers are the sort of thing to haunt you at night, truly.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 08:58 pm (UTC)
There are worse. There's an entire genre of ones written about Native Americans that have truly terrifying covers.

(See here: http://lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com/172460.html)
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[User Picture]From: caerbannog
2008-02-21 08:34 am (UTC)
I am almost tempted to read Amish romance novels out of sheer curiousity, but I'm afraid it would break my brain.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 08:59 pm (UTC)
I wonder what they do in Amish romances? And surely they must be marketed to more than the Amish? For that matter, how do you even market an Amish romance?
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[User Picture]From: astropoet
2008-02-21 10:51 am (UTC)
These scare the bejesus out of me!

And yes, that last one is definately out of place.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 09:00 pm (UTC)
None of them inspire me to join the ranks of the blessed in love, that's for sure.
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[User Picture]From: agentsculder
2008-02-21 11:39 am (UTC)
I actually read one of Beverly Lewis' Amish books. I wouldn't really call them romances though. Most they just focus on a Amish family. There really wasn't a heck of a lot going on in the one I read, but I have heard some of them have a bit edgier stuff (ie. incest) going on in them.

Also, I would guess that last one was purposely mis-shelved by someone. As a former bookstore employee, I can sypathize with the desire to shock the people shopping in that section of the store.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 09:01 pm (UTC)
Sadly, after breaking my brain reading some of the descriptions I just decided that anything in Christian romance was surely a love story and thus qualified. I love the idea of someone buying 'Seducing Simon' and getting about page 150 before realising they'd been cheated! (I'm nasty that way).
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[User Picture]From: cbackson
2008-02-21 02:12 pm (UTC)
OH MAN.
As a teenager, I read a lot of romance novels because, you know, they were FULL OF SEXING (and my life was, erm, not). I remember accidentally checking out a Christian romance novel and being SO MAD when I read through 250 pages of poorly written pioneers-on-the-prairie crap only to discover that there is NO SEX in Christian romances. YARGH.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 09:03 pm (UTC)
I can imagine being handed one of these and thing 'oh, yeah!' and then finding out to your horror that there would BE NO PAYOFF for the terrible prose. On the other hand, of the few modern romances I've recently read (all paranormals, I think) I was sort of shocked by the amount of sex.

*is conflicted*
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[User Picture]From: dangermousie
2008-02-21 02:31 pm (UTC)
I *ahem* read a Francine Rivers book or two. No, not a Christian but when I was in high school I went through a 'anything with swords and sandals' phase. The one I read involved some Christian lady saving everyone in a snooty Roman family, including very hot warrior guy, through love of Jesus. Sort of like a bargain-basement Quo Vadis. Only Sienkiewitz has a Nobel Lit Prize and she doesn't so you could notice the difference :)

Edited at 2008-02-21 02:31 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 09:04 pm (UTC)
I was briefly tempted by one or two because they were set in Rome. And then I thought some more about how annoyed I would probably get by the heroine's saintliness (I bet it never goes the other way) and that it would probably outweigh any fun I got out of descriptions of evil emperors.

*sigh*
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[User Picture]From: library_of_sex
2008-02-21 04:43 pm (UTC)
Where do you find this stuff?! It just seems so unreal that anyone would write a non-POTC pirate romance nowadays! I guess God wants to cut that "raping" part out of the pirate lifestyle! Just looting and pillaging from now on, thanks!
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 09:05 pm (UTC)
10 minutes on Amazon was all it too to assemble this bunch! I didn't even google for Christian romances because Amazon had 1000s!

I suspect the entire novel is about her converting the pirates. The way you do.
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[User Picture]From: fivil
2008-02-21 06:18 pm (UTC)
I'm roflmao. Massively. Are you thinking out buying some just for snark purposes?
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 09:06 pm (UTC)
I was tempted by one or two of the ones set in Rome and then I thought about giving money to the writers and encouraging them to write more.... Maybe if I found them in a second hand bookstore.
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[User Picture]From: lovinlorne
2008-02-21 07:46 pm (UTC)
Not one of those women look all that "Godly" to me. There are quite a few who have more than just a fleeting look of 'Where's the beef?" in their eyes. Especially No Name Donovan.

Or maybe that's just the joy of the simple minded.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 09:08 pm (UTC)
I had a few moments when I doubted their godliness too. But then I thought to myself 'would a Christian publisher lie to me? Of course not!'

See! The power of faith!
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[User Picture]From: morwen_peredhil
2008-02-21 09:49 pm (UTC)
I am quite amused that Christian romance covers are just as "sword"-obsessed as the smutty smut smut ones.

Mmm. Men with swords. Not if they're going to try to convert me, though.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-21 10:58 pm (UTC)
I did wonder if you'd get a lot more fighting to work off all of the lust they'd have to repress (it being ungodly and all). I bet I'd want the hero to run off with the slutty pagan girl, though.
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[User Picture]From: balcarin
2008-02-22 04:24 am (UTC)
I think that the bloke on SURE AS THE DAWN looks suspiciously like Brad Pitt in Troy.
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[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-22 04:31 am (UTC)
He does! He and Sophia Miles are clearly the models of choice for Christian publishers.
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