?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Paranormal Romances: the land of headless men and the women who love them - A Home for the Poetically Deceased [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Never mess with the sacred chickens

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Paranormal Romances: the land of headless men and the women who love them [Feb. 19th, 2008|12:09 am]
Never mess with the sacred chickens
[Tags|, , ]

Photobucket

While 'researching'* for this I discovered the horrible and tragic affliction that affects so many men of the paranormal world: headlessness. And leglessness. For all that they get around a good deal and bed many lusty wenches. (Only, sadly, the books don't call them lusty wenches, instead they prefer horrific terms like 'lifemates' and 'bonded females.' I think I'd rather be called a lusty wench myself.) And, no, I have no idea why this guy is half blue. I suspect it has something to do with sex. And possibly the plague.

* And by research I mean I clicked through as many book covers as I could take. Which wasn't that many, but Amazon is now convinced that I only read either Latin texts or books about sex-mad vampires.


Photobucket
Ah, the joys of the tasteful sexual politics of these novels. In this one, a guy who I assume is part leopard or else just far too fond of exotic tattoos to be allowed outside on his own, decides the forest in the middle of a fire is clearly the place where loved ones will be found and possessed. Well done, there.

Photobucket
Mr. Keeper of the Flame besides being cursed with the worst dye job in the history of humanity was also given giant nipples by an evil witch. The inhumanity of it all! Can Ellora and her cave cure him? Can they quench the flame that grows from his crotch? They can and they will!

Photobucket
The accidental vampire also had an accidental encounter with a guillotine. Tragic! And yet he overcomes it well. I admire a tryer, I do. I also think 'An Argeneau novel' adds a certain desperate attempt at classiness that I appreciate very much.

Photobucket
No phallic allusions, here, nope: none at all. I also like that although he can clearly not afford clothes he still manages to had a nice belt and armlet thing.

Photobucket
I think it is impressive how open the paranormal romance scene is to all sorts of love. In this gripping and revolutionary novel the author tells us of Siamese twins who cannot help but love each other in a cold and forgiving world. In case you want to know, Gideon is the close-minded wanker who comes between them.

Photobucket
Beyond the highland mist there is a Scotland so warm that you won't die of the cold if you leap around with a naked torso and only a kilt wrapped around your manly loins. Plus, if you fondle the right woman a horse will grow out of your head. Very handy and actually how my clan made all its money. Before the English crushed them and took their lands, that is.

Photobucket
God, this one terrifies me. Is that a religious experience, an orgasm or just an urgent need to go to the bathroom that is crossing his face? What the hell is the Golden Gate Bridge doing there? What is 'Dragon heat'? I do not want to know the answers to any of these questions, by the way.

Photobucket
Okay, don't try and convince me that this is erotic at all. If a guy with that tattoo and a pet eagle brooded creepily outside my house I'd be calling the police.

Photobucket
But at least he's sexier than this greasy haired guy standing outside in a lightning storm. I think Darwin's law may take care of him soon enough, though.

Photobucket
The undead next door clearly hasn't updated his look for the past 30? 40? years. But the bat shadow is a nifty trick. He uses it to con five year olds out of their lunch money. Yeah, he's that sort of vampire.

Photobucket
Ah, Dark Desire. A terrifying narrative of the heroine finding out about her boyfriend's freakish collection of cherubs. And his dark, dark desire for their plump, stone bodies.

Photobucket
Sadly, his boss the 'Dark prince' has a fetish for candles. And their gorgeous, phallic flames. It's the way they waver and dart seductively in the room like sexy will o'the wisps. Oh, yeah. But see how open the paranormal scene is to all sorts of love? See? Now, aren't you ashamed of your small-mindedness? Well, you should be.

Photobucket
Vampires are forever, indeed. Which means there's always time for a little sniffing of the chest just to make sure he's remembered to wash (they didn't have bathrooms in his day, after all. Now, now, don't be judgmental!). Note the subtle 'yeah, babyyyyy, I'm a vampire,' bat tattoo. And I always love it when my loves fall asleep on top of my head.

Photobucket
Part man, part wolf, he lives for the night. And for clothes and a wee bit of chest hair to call his own. Wouldn't you think a wolf man would be, well, hairier?

Photobucket
Cruelly dressed by her evil guardian in jeans so tight she needs a knife to get out of them, all she wanted was a full length shirt to call her own. What she got was a vampire who liked to lounge in hallways and be generally useless. So she killed him. Thus began the legend of the vampire huntresses.

linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: baleanoptera
2008-02-19 09:14 am (UTC)
LOL! "The Keeper of the Flame" is the scariest one I think, though it looks more like a pasted-on-wig than a dye job.

If a guy with that tattoo and a pet eagle brooded creepily outside my house I'd be calling the police.

I feel this is good advice in any situation - paranormal romances or not. Hee.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: oxymoron67
2008-02-19 03:27 pm (UTC)
He looks like a muscled-up Nelson.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: raincitygirl
2008-02-19 09:21 am (UTC)
Hysterically funny!!!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:28 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed. There was a terrifying large number of novels to choose from.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: astropoet
2008-02-19 10:25 am (UTC)
You made me cough with all the laffing.

The Scottish one? "Aye right!" As we'd say.

I'm going to pimp this in my journal because of it's excellentness.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:19 pm (UTC)
In Scotland of the undetermined past no man worth his salt wore a shirt. They were that tough. Or possibly this was a way to cull the population.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: sapphs
2008-02-19 11:27 am (UTC)
Sent this way by astropoet

Lol, this makes me slightly embarrassed to admit that I've read 2 or 3 of those books... :P
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:20 pm (UTC)
I haven't read any of these but I've read a few impressively awful ones myself. I find myself fixated by the headless torso shots that seem to be de rigeur for paranormal romances.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: thekatebeyond
2008-02-19 12:52 pm (UTC)
(here via astropoet's link)

You deserve a lot of credit for sifting through all these for the amusement of others. Personally, I'm very grateful; it made it worth getting out of bed this early. *grin*
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:21 pm (UTC)
I have to admit that there wasn't that much sifting: most of them were found on first try at Amazon. It's a bit terrifying...
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: designgeek
2008-02-19 01:47 pm (UTC)
Directed here by Astro who was absolutely right, these are hilarious!! :-D
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:21 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed them! :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:22 pm (UTC)
When I look at the covers I alternate between wondering how many men out there are waxed like that and wondering how on earth most of these are supposed to be alluring.... And then I giggle. Only possible reaction I feel.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:23 pm (UTC)
Amazon must think I have a split personality. I think last time it suggested some really sleezy vampire romance and a work on ancient rhetoric. I can never let any of my colleagues see my Amazon page.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: morwen_peredhil
2008-02-19 05:05 pm (UTC)
Dear hero of Keeper of the Flame,

Donatella Versace called. She wants her hair extensions back.

Sincerely,
Morwen
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: aikakone
2008-02-19 06:17 pm (UTC)
*snickers* You're brilliant! Do you need some extra internets?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:25 pm (UTC)
I like the way that all of them have some sort of completely insane blurb like 'a major new talent!' or 'the sexiest novel since my book about wolfmen doing it!' And all of them appear to be part of series so you know there are more being written about the emo brothers of the lead. HORRORS.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: aikakone
2008-02-19 06:23 pm (UTC)
Fantastically funny post.

I have the Argeneau series books, though I haven't read them in a while. I just *have* them.

I've been weeding out books from thel ibrary collection and as I've been doing it, I've been thinking of some of the horrible cover art. I found this one Christian romance that had a cover of some possessed ventriloquist dummy that looked like some nightmare out of the movie Magic. It was enough to give me day mares, so I shared my pain with others by mocking the cover all over the library.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-19 08:26 pm (UTC)
I think my next post of this sort will be Christian romance novel covers. There's got to be a lot of preacher action on those. Enough to freak me out at any rate.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)
[User Picture]From: shangri__la
2008-02-19 10:50 pm (UTC)
Cruelly dressed by her evil guardian in jeans so tight she needs a knife to get out of them, all she wanted was a full length shirt to call her own. What she got was a vampire who liked to lounge in hallways and be generally useless. So she killed him. Thus began the legend of the vampire huntresses.

Best. Ever.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-20 01:17 am (UTC)
How on earth is she managing to climb stairs in those jeans? I think that's magic working right there.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: nutmeg3
2008-02-20 01:27 am (UTC)
I am so pleased not to see anything I edited (or that we published) on display. ::breathes deeply in relief::
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-20 01:47 am (UTC)
Some of these might well be good! Many books are not served well by their covers, especially as the generic cover for paranormal romance appears to be a headless, polished and waxed torso of a man. And when my Cicero thing gets published I bet it has a horrifying cover to punish me for these posts.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: elspethsheir
2008-02-20 02:09 am (UTC)
This post is Made of WIN!!!!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2008-02-20 02:46 am (UTC)
I am glad you enjoyed it! :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)