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Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero [Aug. 10th, 2007|04:03 pm]
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What is wuxia, you ask? Well, even if you don't ask I will tell for I have researched* it very thoroughly. Wuxia is a genre of historical dorama in which there are magic swords, flying carpets, much flying through air while fighting and training, people falling into rivers and getting out and still battling for hours, and - MOST IMPORTANTLY - excessive amounts of very attractive manpain. This manpain usually results because his love is FORBIDDEN. And not just regular forbidden, either: this is Forbidden with a capital F, carved on the sides of mountains and inscribed into the laws of at least 4 countries.

But I bring you possibly the one and only Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero post.

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This is Jason Bourne. A man who walks alone. A man with no memories (well, no happy ones). A man tortured by excessive amounts of angst and manpain. Plus guilt. WE MUST NOT FORGET THE GUILT.



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He walks alone. He fights alone. Because he has lost his one true passion.

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He will never smile again. Because once you have lost the Great Love of your life there is no more humour. No more smiles. Just angsting alone in a cabin you have built yourself in the Canadian wilds.

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Random (and hopefully not evil) wuxia couple understand and want to know more. 'Yes, Jason,' they say, 'we know the sorrow of DOOMED LOVE. We know the tragedy of seeing the only person you will ever love float away in a river. In ancient China it happens all the time.

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'Yes,' say other wuxia couple! 'We know all about pain and lost love.'

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Often we bring our own coffins around with us because we know that for any wuxia couple tragedy is around the corner.

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Jason angsts a bit more over Marie. Because it's a wuxia and there will never, ever be another woman for him.

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So stop trying Nicky. HE WILL NEVER GET OVER HIS FIRST AND ONLY LOVE

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He tells them of Marie and how lovely she looked by the river

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And in her car.

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Wuxia hero understands and thinks of his lost love

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It was the Great Love. They probably actually knew each other as 12 year olds only to be cruelly torn apart by fate but the movie didn't get into that bit because the writers were not Korean.

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Wuxia couple look sympathetic.

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But Ninja Girl wants to know if there was fighting.

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'Lots of it,' answers Bourne

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But killing lots of people could not take away his sorrow. This is him still not smiling.

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Other Ninja asks if there were villains

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Like people who like to wear strange things in their hair...

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...evil monks...

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...men with raccoon hat fetishes...

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...or men who like to point as they lead their army against you.

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Bourne tells them of his many enemies: pointy finger CIA guy

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evil CIA guy who likes to have people killed in English railway stations

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Even more evil CIA leader who had his OTP killed

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And Clive Owen.

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'That's a lot of enemies for one man,' say some newcomers to the story. 'How do you deal with the angst?'

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'I don't,' Jason tells them. 'Mainly I wander around in the snow and mope about my lost love.'

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'Have I mentioned how right after this scene Marie was shot, our car plunged into the river, and I kissed her dead body just before letting it float away?' he continues.

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'Like this?'

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asks inappropriately cheery wuxia guy.

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Wuxia couple decide to kill inappropriately cheery guy with flower to make Jason feel better

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It doesn't work. He just goes around angsting. Women find this attractive but Jason reminds them that he will never love or smile again

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So, Nikky? Give it up. He will never love you. His manpain is too great for that.

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This is the picture he broods over in his cabin in the wilds

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Though from time to time he likes to brood in railway stations. Just to vary the scene and torment himself by seeing happy people.



*And by researched I mean I have looked at many lovely picspams on calixa's,* dangermousie's, and meganbmoore's*
livejournals. From which I also stole the pictures.

*And who also came up with the whole Bourne = wuxia hero idea.
linkReply

Comments:
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[User Picture]From: calixa
2007-08-11 12:20 am (UTC)

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I think I just peed myself laughing.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 12:31 am (UTC)

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I am now convinced he is truly a reincarnated wuxia hero. Amongst his biggest regrets is that he did not get to carry Marie's body through a field of flowers or send it on a burning raft down the river.
[User Picture]From: raincitygirl
2007-08-11 12:32 am (UTC)

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Oh my God, I needed that. So funny.

Any progress on the visa front?
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 12:37 am (UTC)

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Still waiting for visa. Though I have managed to get money to have my stuff shipped to storage so it will be up there when I eventually get it.
[User Picture]From: nolivingman
2007-08-11 12:39 am (UTC)

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*dies* Seriously, best thing I've seen on LJ in AGES.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 12:57 am (UTC)

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I am glad you liked. It more or less wrote itself once I got the suggestion...
[User Picture]From: meganbmoore
2007-08-11 12:43 am (UTC)

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ok, knowing what every single pic is from and whats going on in most makes this post LETHAL, and very much NSFW...too much shaking from suppressed laughter. BTW, the first 2 wuxia couples? Heroine and assassin...

You left out the part where Bourne, the assassin, no longer kills unless he has no choice because Marie wouldn't want it. Instead he leaves them alive to come after him again, unless his charity reforms them(also very wuxia)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 12:58 am (UTC)

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Ooh. So were the first couple evil? They looked a bit shifty.

There may be a need for a second post once I find pictures of the necrokiss from Bourne.
[User Picture]From: jonquil
2007-08-11 12:46 am (UTC)

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::dies of happiness::
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 12:59 am (UTC)

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Bourne's manpain is so very lovely. As is the manpain of pretty much every wuxia hero I have seen images of.
[User Picture]From: balcarin
2007-08-11 01:16 am (UTC)

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I...I think I love you. This post has cheered me greatly. OH, THE MANPAIN.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 02:55 am (UTC)

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Bourne brings quality manpain to the screen. I admire it like I would a priceless Ming vase.
[User Picture]From: wildtiger7
2007-08-11 01:33 am (UTC)

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There really are not enough posts about The manpain.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 02:56 am (UTC)

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The manpain is strong in Bourne. And wuxia. I find myself enthralled whenever I look at it.
[User Picture]From: morwen_peredhil
2007-08-11 01:44 am (UTC)

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This is brilliant. BRILLIANT, I say.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 02:56 am (UTC)

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Bourne's manpain pretty much is the best thing ever. It writes its own posts it is so good.
[User Picture]From: bellatrys
2007-08-11 02:55 am (UTC)

But this cannot be!

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For Romance was invented in the Middle Ages in France, and does not exist outside the Western Chivalric Tradition! So I have often been told by people with more letters after their names, and more expensive letters, than I have!
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 02:57 am (UTC)

Re: But this cannot be!

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They may have invented romance but the Middle Ages apparently were mere copyists in the world of manpain. Their manpain is paltry compared to the agonies the average wuxia hero must endure on a regular basis.
[User Picture]From: outeeyore
2007-08-11 03:08 am (UTC)

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I read it and laughed.

And then I had to read it again.

So excellent. Can we have more posts and pictures about manpain??
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 03:15 am (UTC)

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I am newly awakened to the pictoral glories of manpain. I feel sure that there will be more spam about deeply thought out picspams of manpain in the future.
[User Picture]From: bellatrys
2007-08-11 03:32 am (UTC)

ooh, ooh, don't forget- there are Evil Monks

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in The Gemini Contenders - they protect a Sekrit Scroll that they must kill anyone who discovers, and kill themselves to protect the secret, too, because all monks everywhere have mad martial arts skillz, even if they're Greek Orthodox from an island monastery and so you'd expect them to have maybe mad fishing skillz or bouzouki-fu instead.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 03:36 am (UTC)

Re: ooh, ooh, don't forget- there are Evil Monks

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It is a well known fact that fishing and playing the bouzouki are very good for developing the muscles needed for martial art skillz.
[User Picture]From: dangermousie
2007-08-11 04:55 am (UTC)

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Tis just might be the best post ever made.

9 out of 10 wuxia heroes agree. The other one expired of manpain before he was able to render his opinion.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 05:03 am (UTC)

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Sometimes I feel like there is so much lovely manpain but so little time.

But have you seen Calixa's death by flying carpet post? So good.
[User Picture]From: planetalyx
2007-08-11 05:16 am (UTC)

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You ROCK!
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 05:51 am (UTC)

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I feel an almost religious compunction to share the attractive manpain.
[User Picture]From: whumpdotcom
2007-08-11 06:37 am (UTC)

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Dammit, I don't have manpain, just moderate angst over broken JavaScript implementations.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 07:05 am (UTC)

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Perhaps you suffered so much manpain in a previous life that you are now free of it? Failing that, you could get yourself some by hieing out to woods, finding a marvelously attractive princess to train you in martial arts, get attacked by evil monks, get poisoned, and then have the gods insist that your true love can never see you again. It works in wuxia.
[User Picture]From: alexandral
2007-08-11 11:38 am (UTC)

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Oh gosh, this is so fabulous! Beyond any words! And wheeeeee! Some Russian writing! Berlin-Moscow!
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 06:14 pm (UTC)

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Bourne, I feel, is probably especially fond of Russian trains. He probably likes to hang around in country railway stations in the depth of winter(always refusing to use the waiting room) and let the cold creep over him as a way to increase his angst.
[User Picture]From: koalathebear
2007-08-11 04:34 pm (UTC)

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Oh gosh, I almost died laughing.

And that one of those wuxia fellows looks like Nicholas Tse. *drools*
[User Picture]From: meganbmoore
2007-08-11 04:48 pm (UTC)

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Because it is. As an angsty silent repressed assassin raised by women who kept all other men in cages who decided that his falling in love was the biggest crime ever.
[User Picture]From: baleanoptera
2007-08-11 05:15 pm (UTC)

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I know almost nothing about wuxia, but still this is pure genius. I love "evil CIA guy, evil CIA guy, evil CIA guy and Clive Owen". Poor Clive. Though he was a very pretty assassin. ;)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-11 06:16 pm (UTC)

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I know very little about wuxia myself (I watch the doramas set in modern times) but I have learned much from meganbmoore's, dangermousie's and calixa's journals. I plan on watching a whole bunch this winter and sampling a whole new source of manpain.
[User Picture]From: lage_nom_ai
2007-08-12 12:32 am (UTC)

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AHAHAHAHAHAHA. You are GENIUS.
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-12 05:55 am (UTC)

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I must point out that the idea was not mine...it belongs to Calixa and Meganbmoore who first alerted me to Bourne' wuxia qualities.
[User Picture]From: shadowfae
2007-08-14 03:47 pm (UTC)

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Oh this was just brilliant, LMAO!!

I'm putting this in *memories* :D
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-14 11:24 pm (UTC)

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Glad you liked it!

I am a bit ashamed to admit this but I just bought a copy of the second one so I could get an image of the, er, necrokissing. I feel that bit alone proves my point.
[User Picture]From: meyerlemon
2007-08-15 12:18 am (UTC)

It is such a valuable chance that we meet!

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This is very, very good.

[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-15 03:51 am (UTC)

Re: It is such a valuable chance that we meet!

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Bourne's agony is a gift to us all. Or so I like to feel. :)
[User Picture]From: holdouttrout
2007-08-15 12:38 am (UTC)

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Here from morwen_peredhil

I think this is incredibly amusing. Heh heh. Made my day. :-)
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-15 03:53 am (UTC)

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Thanks! :)
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[User Picture]From: endlessdeep
2007-08-15 02:28 am (UTC)

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Came here by morwen_peredhil's rec.

And she was right, this is awesome. I loved the movie. :)
[User Picture]From: endlessdeep
2007-08-15 02:30 am (UTC)

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Came here by morwen_peredhil's rec.

And she was right, this is awesome. I loved the movie. :)

My typing sucks today. *sigh*
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-08-15 03:50 am (UTC)

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Glad you liked it! I loved the movie to but it was very rich on the manpain front - and when wuxia was suggested by others I couldn't stop myself!
[User Picture]From: trailer_spot
2007-08-21 07:55 pm (UTC)

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Hi! alexandral sent me here because she's awesome like that.

Very funny! You obviously researched the subject very thoroughly! :D
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-09-10 04:05 am (UTC)

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I believe in rifling through people's livejournals for information deep and thorough research!
[User Picture]From: lisan
2007-10-09 11:52 am (UTC)

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got here from a post by koalathebear. so funny! thanks for sharing!
[User Picture]From: lesbiassparrow
2007-10-10 02:17 am (UTC)

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As long as Bourne's manpain can bring people happiness, I am happy. He suffers so we may have joy. :)
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